Why am I qualified to write on farts? I have been a victim of "fartnesis" many times. Simple! My genius Venusian muse coined “fartnesis” from fart + nemesis. I have been privileged, or maybe rather unfortunate, to be engulfed in infernos of farts in the morning, noon, mid-noon, eventide...just name it. Whoever said, "experience is the best teacher" spoke well.
Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the types of farts we have. But first, I must warn you, this article is very funny, so I will advise you put on your spectacles before you laugh your eyes out.
The first on the list...
This is called "felele" in my Yoruba vulgate. It's a terrible and silent killer, you will never hear it, no, you can't! How can you when the farter has taken his time, carefully and intermittently opening and closing his rectum to release the horrendous air into the unfortunate atmosphere, all the while holding his breath. If successful, this fart could be catastrophic, but as providence would have it, rarely does it smell? But if it does, and you happen to be the victim, that day will be in your diary if you keep one.
This is a very wicked type; it smells minutes after release. In fact, the farter would have forgotten about his release. This type is wicked because it causes arguments between friends, family, colleagues (yes, some colleagues fart anywhere and anyhow). If two people are in a room, and one releases Mr. Grenade into the air, somehow, Mr. Grenade won't explode until five minutes after or thereabout. I guess he's doing some push-ups. You should know that the farter, five minutes earlier, had already thanked God for the success of a clean and understanding fart delivery.
Mr. Grenade, who is now done with his push-ups rises and explodes!
Now here is the argument: the farter can't believe it is his fart that is smelling—it’s just not possible! On the other hand, the "fartee" definitely will not let the farter go with this because they are the only two people in the room.
I happened to be in such situation one day. Hey, not me, I don’t fart! I only stepped in to settle the case. Somehow, by discernment, I knew it was Mr. Grenade at work. I mean, how else could you explain it? After some interrogations by the detective of farts (myself of course!), the farter confessed he had farted some minutes ago, and the "fartee" made it plainly known that he hadn't released that day. And that was how I resolved the issue and exposed Mr. G.
Common, I deserve a BBQ (barbecue)!
This type dangerously and intelligently smells on the person beside the farter. In a bewildering manner, this fart manages to come from the opposite side of the farter. (And I must confess to you, with my first class degree in “Fartnesis,” I still haven’t cracked down this fart.) And if you are unfortunate to be at the opposite side, everyone will think it's you because the murderous flatulence is smelling from your direction, but don't worry, it's not you.
Let them know it's not you.
This fart smells so awfully, such that if you don't succeed in convincing them it's not you, they will never forgive you in their mind—they will marvel that such an ugly wonderment can actually come from you. And they will unconsciously add you to the wonders of the world.
Pray this doesn't happen to you, and if it does, I really do hope you are able to vindicate yourself, or the farter opens up. But would you open up if you were the farter?
So pray never to be a victim of Ms. Digital. (Let me use a lady so that they won't say am a male chauvinist. You know how it is now? Ladies, am fighting your cause.)
This type of fart lingers for a long time after it has been released. Don't even bother to use air spray because that will be the first thing Lord Extinguisher will extinguish. Yes, Lord E is annoyingly friendly: He sticks closer than a brother. To murder (am afraid, that's the only option) it, you will have to open windows and doors and—air spray can't handle it alone—blanch oil at a very high temperature. Trust me, to choke is far better than the awful smell of Lord E. Your last bet is for the choking smell to join in the battle. It’s a war between good and evil!
If it does, congratulations, you have just won the battle. Perhaps.
I really wish Lord E can extinguish fire. Alas! He won't—can’t!
This is terribly uncontrollable. Very embarrassing! And stubborn! If she wants to come out, who are you to stop her? Questioning her only adds salt to injury. If you are in a meeting and BG wants to come out, if you love yourself, don’t say, “But why now?” If you make the mistake of asking that three-words question, you are in for it. BG will not only come out, she will come out with great affectation and aggrandizement. So please, next time, when BG calls, just keep quiet or beg her or make a deal with her.
This is a very long and lousy fart. It may smell or may not, depending on Mr. T’s mood. He has one advantage however, he also vibrates. This is good news for those who needs vibrator. All you need do is to contact me and I’ll connect you with professional farters. At a token.
This is the only type that punishes the farter. They are always hot, burning, clunky and peppery. Did I tell you they horribly smell? Yes, they do! They so smell that the farter has to respect Mr. and Mrs PS’s privacy, by covering his nose, when they come out. This couple has some qualities of other fart types. At the same time, they are highly volatile and extremely unpredictable. Sometimes, they come out with a “puff” or “hiss” sound, other times, they come out noiselessly. Sometimes the smell is sharp and choky, other times it is a mixture of garbage and rotten egg. You just can’t be so sure.
This is technically not a fart, it's actually Mr. Poop mocking you. He is the uncle of the aunt of Pepper Spray. He teases the unsuspecting farter by sending, first, his relative, Mr. PS to go only for him to appear. He is also very hot (if you think by hot I meant “sexy,” you are on your own) and corrosive. You don’t ever want to experience Mocker.
May I boldly tell you that some sounds you sometimes hear are not gunshots, neither are they thunders. What if—I say—they are FARTS! These farts sound like gunshots and thunders. Upon release, they skilfully ricochet in different directions. Good news though, they rarely smell unless it’s their birthday. But for you my friend, you will be celebrated—with scorns and mockery. Congratulations!
This type smells like a rotten egg–I mean rotten eggs! Am really sorry for you if you keep looking around for a rotten egg, my friend, the rotten egg is in the person next to you. Look no further. Sorry, did I tend to say you should search the person next to you?
Run for your dear life!
Please feel free to add in the comment box other fart types I have omitted. Let us know the other types you have invented. Be generous.
Coming next - Sleep types.
Coming next - Sleep types.
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